Why Behaviour Isn’t Always Communication — Sometimes It’s Regulation

There’s a popular phrase in many educational and therapeutic spaces:

“All behaviour is communication.”
It’s shared with good intentions — to help us look beyond the surface, to listen more deeply, to see the person behind the behaviour.

But let’s be honest.

Sometimes, behaviour isn’t communication.
Sometimes… it’s regulation.
A nervous system doing everything it can to stay safe, stay grounded, or simply survive.

And when we mistake regulation for communication, we risk misreading, mislabeling, and even punishing the very strategies that help someone hold it together.

🧠 Understanding Regulation

Self-regulation is the ability to manage your internal state — physically, emotionally, mentally.
It’s how we calm down when overwhelmed, focus when distracted, or recover from stress. For many of us, this process is invisible and automatic.

But for others — especially neurodivergent individuals or people with sensory differences — regulation takes work.
Real, physical, emotional work.
And often, it shows up as behaviour.

  • Rocking isn’t defiance — it’s rhythm for the nervous system.
  • Hand-flapping isn’t distraction — it’s release.
  • Walking away isn’t disrespect — it’s escape from overload.
  • Silence isn’t opposition — it’s self-protection.

It’s not always a message to you.
Sometimes it’s what someone needs to do for themselves.

🚫 Misreading Behaviour Can Cause Harm

When adults — even with the best intentions — assume all behaviour is “communicating something to us,” we start to:

  • Demand explanations from people who are overwhelmed
  • Interrupt self-soothing behaviors
  • Punish coping mechanisms because they seem “inappropriate”
  • Focus on compliance instead of co-regulation

Let’s pause here: How often do we ask children to “use their words” when they are physiologically unable to do so?

A dysregulated brain can’t access logic, language, or conversation.
It’s not won’t — it’s can’t.

🌿 What if We Shifted Our Lens?

What if, instead of always asking “What are they trying to tell me?”, we sometimes asked:

  • “What’s happening in their body right now?”
  • “What does their nervous system need in this moment?”
  • “How can I support safety before expecting communication?”

That simple shift — from interpreting to supporting — can change everything.

Because when someone feels safe enough to regulate, connection follows.
Language might follow.
Growth always follows.

But it starts with safety.

💚Let’s Be Clear: Regulation Deserves Respect

When we honour regulation behaviours — even if they look strange to us — we send a powerful message:

🗣️ “Your body’s wisdom matters.”
🧠 “You don’t have to explain your survival.”
🤲🏽 “You’re safe with me, even when you’re struggling.”

This is especially crucial for:

  • Nonspeaking, unreliably speaking or minimally speaking individuals
  • Autistic children and adults
  • Students with trauma histories
  • Anyone living in a world that demands they constantly mask or perform

🛑 What This Doesn’t Mean

This doesn’t mean we ignore harmful behaviours.
It doesn’t mean we don’t teach new tools or support emotional development.

It does mean we slow down.
We stop pathologizing what is often a nervous system doing its best.
And we meet people with curiosity instead of control.

✨ In Closing: Before You Interpret, First Regulate

If you’re a parent, teacher, therapist, or support person — remember this:

Before we analyze the behaviour,
Before we assign meaning,
Before we correct or redirect...

Ask:
“Are they regulated enough to even be present with me?”

Because sometimes, behaviour isn’t a message for you.
It’s a message from the body to the self:
“You’re not okay right now — and this is how we cope.”

That deserves space.
That deserves respect.
And that — in its own right — is worthy of understanding.

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